Little Things Not So Little

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year now, and we have yet to have kids. We want them, but our financial situation right now is not favorable, therefore, we can not-should not-have a baby.

Two of my friends have children. Each has a little girl. One is about to turn three and the other will soon be two. I have observed both of them in action...being moms.

You know that saying "To each his own?" That's the way I see parenting. What you do; what you teach your kids; how you conduct yourself in front of them; all of that matters a great deal. They're little people with their own personalities and they are ever-observant of you. They want to be like you, when they're that young- when they're innocent and don't know any better; when they're still too young to know that it's perfectly acceptable to be unique; different; their own person.

I have a general idea or two of what I might be like as a parent some day. At least, they're ideals that I'd like to live up to when I become a parent. Sometimes, the very thought that I will be in charge of nurturing and teaching and raising another human being is mind-blowing. So much so, in fact, that I start to get anxious just thinking about it all. Because, seriously, what if I fuck up real bad? I'm only human, too! We all make mistakes, sure, but you're responsible for how this human will turn out some day!!! They will venture out into the world with what they've learned from you and join society. That is such a scary thought.

For years now, I have been very interested in the subject of parenting. I have observed countless people in my life who have given birth and I have learned so much from all of them. All that I've learned can be summed up in a book possibly titled What To Do/What Not To Do: The Crash Course Guide to Parenting.

I sometimes worry that when I finally have a child, my friends and I won't be as close any more. It's not about the busy factor, because I know that is a given. My concern is more of the "We'll start to have awkward silences because we don't see eye to eye on the whole parenting front" variety. I'm just of the mindset that it will become obvious at some point that we all do things very differently. Different is normal. Different is healthy. Different makes life unique and...well, different!

And that's one of the little things that isn't so little. It's like an elephant standing inside of a utility closet.

Everyone is different, whether they're parents or not. My friends and I have drifted apart over the years due to a myriad of reasons, and I worry that once I have a child of my own, we'll drift apart even farther, if not part ways forever.

I'm not a "blinded by love" person and I know I won't be that way when I'm a mom. I always try to carry myself as well as I can under whatever circumstances life may be throwing at me; and I never try to be something I'm not. I go for honesty 9 out of 10 ten times, even if honesty might make matters worst. I sometimes suffer from Peter Pan Syndrome. Art and the ability to create various forms of it are my passions. I love children,but spoiled ones annoy me. My hair is never perfect. Everything I own is covered in pet hair. I love junk food. I like to wear socks with funky patterns. I dislike the sound of my own voice. I adore and own way too many stuffed animals. I guzzle tea like it's going out of style. I'm just me.

And the kind of parent I'll be, judging by all of those factors I just mentioned? I'm not sure. I just know that I'll be different. And I'll be that way, regardless of what others will think or say; regardless of the outcome it will have on my relationships with others.

Because like I said before, parenting, to me anyway, falls under the "To each his own" category.